I know, I know; I sound like that child who begs their parents for a toy that all their friends have, but as soon as they have it; They don’t want to play with it. Or a slightly more mature metaphor.
You’ll hate me even further to know that the job is actually related to both what I studied, and what I want to go into. A mission I have spent the better part of a year trying to accomplish. So what’s the problem you wonder – except my obvious level of psychosis?
Freedom is the issue, or lack there of. I have been existing in a state of self controlled creativity, where I have had the freedom to structure and restructure my life on a whim, based on the weather or the day or my mood. I had a casual job where I chose to work two/three days a week and used the other days to alternate between writing, applying for jobs and binge watching box sets. I was unknowingly living the life, as I dreamt about making it to the other side, where I had heard the grass was greener.
The other side it turns out consists of early set alarms, bleary eyed awakenings and an hour and a half commute that normally involves being sandwiched between strangers, and battling old ladies for a seat on the train. Sadly I would describe the grass on this new side as an unflattering shade of grey. Gone are the days creatively spent drafting scripts, fleshing out short stories and reading in the middle of the day, curled up with a cup of tea.
Don’t get me wrong; deep down there is a version of myself that is super psyched to finally have a full-time job. This version is glad to be meeting potential influential people, making friends and having conversations with like minded individuals. But that version of myself is only present between 12pm and 5:15pm (Monday to Friday). At all other times you will see the version of myself that is inexplicably exhausted and pissed off that she has no time to work on her own projects.
Having gotten that out of my system, I know that once I get used to my new routine of early mornings and pencilling in time for creativity, my grey tinted glasses will come off and I will be blinded by neon green grass.
Disclaimer: Should anyone I work with stumble upon this post, please know I am grateful for my job and also don’t fire me.