Eighteen months ago Superman’s battle with General Zod kills hundreds, and destroys countless of buildings in the City of Metropolis, including one owned by Wayne Enterprises. Witnessing the disaster first hand and being unable to stop it – Wayne decides in this moment that Superman is a threat to humanity. Presently, Clark Kent attempts to use the Daily Prophet to put an end to Batman’s vigilantisms – and when that doesn’t quite go as planned; the glasses come off and the cape goes on. Blinded by their mutual distrust, they don’t notice the storm that is brewing, until it’s on their doorstep.
Where to start, and once I do; how to stop, as there seems to be a never ending list in my head of points that I’m dying to make. The majority of which are negative (seriously considering changing the name of this blog to better reflect my glaring negativity). Since that is the case, I am going to put a cap on the number of cynical comments I make; Ten seems reasonable don’t you think? So without any further ado – as none is deserved – let’s begin.
1.So. Gotham City and Metropolis are just a stones throw away from one another then?
Perhaps this has always been the case (I’ve never read the comic books) but it just seemed a little too easy. If Superman can see the Bat-symbol from Metropolis, why does he never go and help? Heck forget waiting for the symbol – it’s a well known fact that city is dangerous.
2.Flying Bat Child.
In the opening scene little Bruce Wayne falls down a boarded up well in the forest that surrounds his home. One of the stories goes that whilst there he is attacked by bats and develops a Bat-phobia. As an adult, he chooses to use his biggest fear as a weapon by becoming Batman. In this version however, it seems that little Bruce Wayne makes friends with the Bats as they whirl around him, essentially flying him out of the well.
I kid you not I lost my shit and burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter and we weren’t even 10 mins in.
3.Batman’s Fight Scene
They were all so unbelievably slow that I felt I was counting along with Ben Affleck in my head; One, Two Punch, Kick, Three, Four, Duck, Twist, Stab Kick, Five, Six. Yawn!
4. Lex Luthor.
He seemed too much like a child compared to Clark and Bruce and as such his personality was more on the side of child psychopath, as opposed the opportunist business man with a love interest in Lois Lane. I didn’t quite understand his goals either; he wanted Batman and Superman to go to war so he could create a monster he couldn’t even control? His characterisation was clearly only half thought through, it’s no wonder he looked like a crazy person.
5. Zod LuthorDo not even get me started on the Human-Kryptonian hybrid made from Zod’s corpse and Lex Luthor’s DNA. For the life of me I cannot fathom why it looked the way it did, what it was trying to do and why it had such power. It was like reaching the final level of a video game, where they give the final Boss every power imaginable, and it’s only by luck and persistence you defeat it.
6. Superman Doesn’t Use Guns.
He has super strength, speed, laser eyes, x-ray vision, and good looks – and yet it was so easy for the world to believe that he massacred people in an African Village….With guns? Okay.
7. So Lux Luther Knows Everything?
He knows about Metahumans, he knows the true identity of both Batman and Superman, he knows how to control the Kryptonian Ship, he knows exactly which buttons to press with people. The government gave him both Zod’s body and intergalactic technology, and he single handedly salvaged Kryptonite – and yet nobody seemed to point to him as the bad guy? Shocking.
8. But. What’s the plot?
Why any of this? Sure Superman destroyed Metropolis, but it wasn’t on purpose. Superman doesn’t like Batman because of his rouge man tactics, and thus rudely and ironically tells him to stop (Which did annoy me – mate did you forget you aren’t actually human) but all of this didn’t warrant a big enough excuse for Batman to go on a kill mission…. only to change his mind half way through! Oyvey!
9. Batman’s Nightmare/Dream sequence/Flash Forward/Inception.
Batman went all desert warrior on us as he went in search of Kryptonite, only to be betrayed by his team, and killed by Superman. Not only that, but he was then visited by what I denoted as a figure from the future trying to give him a grave warning – but it was all in his head.
This scene lasted way to long and only helped to amp up the confusion levels. You were looking for clues in that segment, and still pondering over it’s significance when the film moved on and it was never talked about again. Part of me began to doubt that it had even happened.
10. Spoiler Alert much?
Are DC that afraid of not having an audience for their films that they just decided to spoil any chance of anticipating scenes from their upcoming movies.
(Apologies for the poor quality – this was the only picture I could find!)
This would have been more than enough; at this point I was actually pretty gassed. That gas then developed a strange and pungent smell when I then basically got a mini trailer of all that’s too come. Sure I knew they were coming, as I happily peruse upcoming films for the next ten years or so, however my cinema companion didn’t know what half the symbols meant, and her interest was piqued. However giving the audience all the information in the film, means they have no reason to keep being interested once they’ve left.
That was more difficult than I expected… whittling it down to ten, that is. So what did I like about the film you wonder; well like is an incredibly strong word, but nevertheless, there was one thing I did enjoy, and a few things I found tolerable.
Alfred (Jeremy Irons), at first annoyed the heck out of me, as I was used to seeing a more tender but firm “Grandfather” figure. However the dirty uncle that everyone hopes doesn’t get too drunk at the Christmas table characteristic they went for instead turned out to work and was even at parts – dare I say – a little funny.
Batman being older and wiser, I believe he stated “I’ve been doing this for twenty years” or something to that effect. He decided he was a vigilante, and he was okay with that. Thankfully there was no struggling teenage angst moment about him deciding the kind of man he wants to be and the sacrifices he must make, blah blah blah.
The look of Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman fighting side by side actually looked pretty amazing.
I mentioned that there was one thing that I did like, it was the only thing that did not disappoint, and thankfully so, as it happened to be the only reason I allowed myself to be dragged to see this movie, and that was Wonder Woman.
From the only trailer I watched (which was sometime last year) it made it seem that she was barely in the film, but she got a lot more screen time than I expected. It also confirmed my belief that Wonder Woman will be an epic film when it is finally released in 2017… Although her skirt is a little too short – Sorry! I can’t help myself.
[Potential Blog Name Change: The Negative Nancy’s Reviews?]
At the end of the day, this film wasn’t bad, (in the Hallmark Movie that we all pretend to hate but love, kind of way), it was worse than that; the film was boring. A bad film you can sit and laugh and cringe about. But a boring film? It leaves you empty and angry, and in the case of my cinema companion; asleep. And yet despite all of this and the fact that I have yet to hear a single person express genuine enjoyment for the film, it has almost tripled its $250 million budget in Box Office intake.
Hopefully the next DC Comics instalment, Suicide Squad will not disappoint. But these days; I’m not holding my breath.